Saying Divorce Is Forbidden Is Abusive
I have a "special" place in my heart for people who are strictly of the position that "divorce is completely forbidden under any and all circumstances".
Now I am sure a few people reading this will have their blood pressure boiling and veins pulsing in their foreheads because:
- Divorce is bad! (Yep, you are right)
- Divorce tears apart families! (Yep, you are right)
- Divorce hurts children! (Yep, you are right again)
- The Lord doesn't want people to get divorced! (Truth)
- Forgiveness! (Yep, it can happen for sure)
- Etc, etc etc.
Hopefully the vein popping people have simmered down a bit now seeing that I agree with them.
I will also add the context that I am very much against divorce and even a huge supporter of divorced people reuniting if that's healthy. I personally fought long and hard to avoid divorce and even try to reconcile after my divorce.
But I said in the title that:
Saying divorce is forbidden is abusive
There is a stance amongst some Christian circles that divorce is completely forbidden, no matter the circumstances or situation. And this is where it turns from being principled to being abusive to people.
Yes, I said that. It's abusive to people to say "divorce is forbidden".
If you look a man or woman in the face who was betrayed by their spouse and tell them “you can’t divorce no matter what!” ,
YOU are a monster.
YOU are the monster now.
I understand the sentiment behind people saying that. I even said things much like that for years. But as time and The Lord interacted with me over the years I learned just how toxic that mindset was.
It’s fine to say “Take some time. Process. Pray.” to someone who's been betrayed by their spouse. Hoping they might reconcile, forgive, heal, and come out stronger.
But denying them the very thing Jesus gave them and allowed them is heinously abusive.
We all want to be able to forgive, but let's be real. Sometimes forgiveness and reconciliation are not compatible.
Now again some people reading that will get upset and start thinking their defacto arguments to counter me...
I'll say it again:
Sometimes forgiveness and reconciliation are not compatible
If you disagree then why did Jesus say divorce is allowed? If forgiveness of adultery and reconciliation were always compatible then why would Jesus say you can divorce for adultery?
You see often times we get so stuck on principle that our hearts harden. We get so stuck on the principle "divorce is bad" (which is true) that we no longer participate in reality. We enter this weird fake / dream world where principle is the only tolerable choice, but only in these specific topics strangely...
Funnily enough if you were to look at those people's other commentary or opinions though you would probably see that they are not as strict about principles with other things like jobs, lying, gossip, idolatry, movie watching, etc...
When you open your heart to what Jesus said, not what you want him to have said you will see truth. The truth is that Jesus clearly said divorce is completely biblical and righteous if your spouse has cheated on you. Because our imperfect human hearts and relationships can always forgive, but forgiveness can also mean "I forgive you for cheating on me. I forgive you for betraying our marriage and me. I forgive you for destroying our marriage. AND I never want to see you ever again".
So if your friend or family member is in a collapsing marriage. STOP YOURSELF. CHECK YOURSELF.
Be supportive, be kind (unless they are the cheater... then by all means let them have it).
Encourage them to slow down. Breathe. Take time to process. Take time to pray and listen to The Lord's leading. Pray for them, their family, their marriage. Perhaps they can reconcile.
But if you tell them "You cannot get divorced for any reason." then you are now abusing them, on top of their spouse betraying them. And you are denying Jesus himself by saying that. Which is not a good place to be. Saying that Jesus was wrong by allowing for divorce and YOU are right for forbidding it.